Safety zone.

后来，我总算学会了如何去爱。

可惜你早已远去，消失在人海。

后来，终于在眼泪中明白，

有些人一旦错过就不再。

        

This post is triggered by a dream I had two nights ago. I met him in my dream, we made up. Everything was perfect. He was like how I knew him and I was even more honest at being me. Then, I woke up and realise that it was too perfect to be true.
A part of me wished it will become reality, badly.
Then, I questioned myself that if I still liked him. Just like the zillion times I have already asked myself. I knew it is a no. I'm just crazily in love with the memories I had with him. Sometimes, or a little too often, I think I find reasons to justify that it is a no too. Maybe, its because I know its not possible and mainly it was me who messed up.
It feels like I'm chasing phantoms, or maybe a phantom.
The few characteristics of what I would want a guy to have stems out from him. I wondered if it is because I know what kind of guy I want more after I met him.
It could be worst, I want him, or at least someone like him.

Somehow, I know why I had this dream. I saw him, last saturday.
What if I say, everytime, even up till now, when I see him, there's a sharp pain in my heart?
So just like every other time, I saw him again and there was a sharp pain followed by this numbness that goes through my entire body. Is like I can barely think, my brain becomes null and when I regain consciousness I realize he is present. I saw him across the street, he was standing at a position I knew so well of. His image was blurry, as it was almost late night and I wasn't wearing my glasses. Though, I didn't get a clear look of his face, but that didn't stop me from recognising him.
I knew the way he stand.
It was the way he stand in court; that hall in school, beside me; during assembly...
However, just like every other time, I brushed those terrifying emotions aside.
It took the rest of my energy from the rest of the night and nothing was left to entertain anyone else.
It scares me too, how much energy this process still drains out of me.

My colleagues and I were having a discussion about relationships. It reminded of how new I am to this. A colleague who is getting married in less than two months told me this: "If it's meant to be, it will find a way back into your life. It's fate." Another individual was the first person that surface in my mind. I recall the countless time we were suppose to have ended. 

All due this word fate. 

Yet, we are still the way we are now. It's funny, because I blame a lot on fate keeping us apart way too often and yet it is also fate that pulls us back. I don't think I'm crazily in love but I like what we have now. 

In my favourite necklace and top.